So, lots of times when I write, I start out with a title, but by the time I'm done, I find the title to be completely inappropriate for what the post turns out to be. And then I go back and change it. Well today, my thoughts are so jumbled that I couldn't even come up with a starting title. So I've started with "untitled" as the title. We'll see if when I'm done that ends up being the title after all.
So how interconnected are we all? -- as humans, that is. or maybe even broader, as creatures on this planet or in this universe. Are all our differences and crimes between us evolving us towards some greater end? or is it all just random?
my x was here. the occasion was a get-together that I hosted for his nieces and nephews. that was originally planned because my daughter was going to be home for a visit. but when she was not able to come, i decided to go on with the gathering because my x has quite the "youth following" because he's ...well, he's different. And I don't mean that in a mean way, but he's just not like most of the others in the world. he's not ambitious. he's not trying to accumulate wealth or power- just trying to survive. and it makes him sort of old-hippie wise. the youth- they love that.
at any rate. there are many crimes between us that we've never really discussed before. too hot to handle kinds of issues that seemed better left in the pandora's box kind of thing- even as we've been ever moving towards forgiveness and peace between us for some time now.
this morning though- we (rather he) kinda went straight for the heart of the matter. and the essential question ended up being - "do we come clean or would that be more hurtful and harmful to the people involved?" and we even selfishly both spoke of that it might be harmful and hurtful to us.
so then we started talking about souls. do we all have souls? when our souls leave our bodies, do they talk to each other? is something guiding us? but what is the point of the guidance then? what is such a collective body of souls trying to achieve? what are our individual souls' roles in all this?
he says he thinks that as we enter this world, we choose our miserable lives. for some kind of reason. and well, i get that, but i also don't get why anyone would ever choose miserableness. "is it because if we don't keep striving for perspective and understanding- we'll go straight to hell?" I ask him. and he says, "no, there's no hell."
he tells me of what he thought was a near death experience he had once. and how he was told he had to go back, and finish things. that there was something left for him to do and accomplish. so as much as he wanted to die- he came back.
and personally, i think there was a reason why he came back. and it seems like i know what that reason is. but still, i think- "damn, this is one hell of a system set up if that is true- that we are always having to be striving for some higher plane for ourselves? i mean, wth? who would want such a system, that we always have to be struggling. for just that brief moment of time of understanding after we die and before we are born again. what's the end purpose? that we all come together (on earth as in heaven) one day?
and we finally just said, "damn, we don't know." but then he added, "i don't want to change anything." meaning he doesn't want to upset the apple cart of the question that the conversation originally posed. that he was fine with the role he'd been playing. and that he wanted to continue in the role.
at any rate, i'm both more peaceful after this conversation but also more disturbed. more disturbed on several levels. selfishly- on what's going to happen to me? he's coming out as a true good person in the end, and i'm essentially not. but also in the cosmic sense? i chose this? this life? these mistakes? these crimes? for some purpose? what purpose?
it's very hard to believe in a sort of god. but you know? it's also very hard not to.
our conversation ended with a hug. and him saying, "be good to yourself."
and damn, i think he's on a higher plane than me already. that's what he got out of all the crimes i inflicted on him. and he deserves that. he truly does. even as he admitted clearly several times that he was no angel to me either.
but i guess, what i got from this conversation is that he personally forgives me. and well, i guess, for some time now- i've forgiven him as well.
whistle and fish, i guess- "you forgive us, we'll forgive you, we'll all forgive each other til we both turn blue. Then we'll whistle and go fishing in heaven."
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