i'm always kind of amused fascinated by those christian (and to be fair, other religious leanings) people who are ok with a "fuckaroundandfindout" god. You know- the ones who are sure you are going to hell someday. and sure that there is a hell. You know the ones- the ones who live their best pharisee lives each and everyday. and i guess it's not that they are exactly ok with it, but more they are convinced that this just is the way life (and death) is.
and i realized that there is a branch of them who sincerely believe that JeSUS saved us from all that. But that the sticking point is that you have to say you BELIEVE and then further, act like you BELIEVE before you get that assurance of being saved. And i have always been fascinated amused by little kids adults who wonder, "What if you confess on your deathbed when it's too late to do anything about anything you did wrong?" Is that an accepted "save" or will it just be a desperate plea made in desperation at a desperate time? And those are the ones who will warn you, plead with you, beg on their knees with you to repent before it's TOO LATE! Lots of those people put up billboards.
I always thought catholicism had such a good idea in that of confessions. right up until i learned that the priest would charge you with fixing what you could of the mess you made. and then i wasn't so on board with it. and anyway, it seems to me like the ultimate act of selfishness to only make those atonements because you are afraid of going to hell. Not because you want to be better and good. But because you don't want to burn, be tortured, or tormented for eternity.
i believe what I'm saying is that it seems to me that the major religions are fundamentally flawed in this way. And why I do rather like the Jewish idea that when you're dead, you're just dead. Seems to me that you might then just want to do right because it's the right thing to do. and that if you can't- well, then that makes you human, just like the rest of us.
But i also realize that for a lot of people the thought of death just being the end is completely unthinkable. unfathomable. intolerable. That you'd never see your beloved grandpa or dad or husband or child who preceded you in death again is just too much to take. i get that. and that would be an argument for living right- so that you'd get to see them again. and that not getting to see them again would be your version of hell. And oh, how i want that heaven for my mother.
But I'm not even sure i want it for myself. Because quite honestly, i'm afraid to look some of those people in the eyes. for shame.
I have a friend who fully believes that there is an indescribably joyous afterlife. She says she's had a near-death experience. and so, she knows it. But I ask her both overtly and covertly all the time- but what happens to the bad people? does she have any word on them and how they are faring? Inquiring minds want to know.
she has no answer. she only knows what she knows. and no more. And i can see her wanting to know- "what exactly have you done to worry so?" But she's too polite. Either that or she thinks that whatever I've done can't really be as bad as all that- that i'm just scared.
my friend that died recently- his wife believes he's been reincarnated as a baby buffalo. i find that kind of sad. because he's a penned-up, never free to roam baby buffalo. who will grow up to be a penned up, never free to roam adult buffalo. and what's the fun in that? What's to look forward to for the rest of your days? you 3 squares of buffalo kibble? the same four walls of fence? until ya die again? but at least you're safe, right? And that's where my friend's wife wants him for now. right there where he's safe and penned up and gets 3 squares until he dies so that when she dies, she can join him somewhere.
Is this discomfort in my stomach cancer or is it shame and worry all balled up? Which came first? Who's on first? And does anyone ever make it home safe?
This is my mind as of 1:14 this afternoon. and i'm dreading going out with friends tonight because i know that as good as they are, they cannot make this stomachache go away. and it's really above and beyond the call of their duty.
Vonnegut said the reason we are here is just to fart around. i wish i had his faith.
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