on earth as in heaven

 If ever there were a two week time period that interrupted and almost shattered my pondering about if there is a god, it was these last two.  

i mean the slaughter of babies.  and all the other innocents.  and on top of that some personal issues with people i love. the death of a friend.  the anniversary of the death of someone who i never deserved to call a friend.   

 i don't believe in Job-ish tests of faith and all that, and i also reject the idea of hell, perhaps because i know i deserve to end up there.  but damn.. these two weeks were tough on my old bones.  

and it all reduced me to a collapsed mess there for a bit.  and truth be told, i'm not quite ok yet.  just mildly better.  

and i have thought a lot about the role of prayer in some people's lives.  and that while it helps many, it also can be used as a meaningless phrase - as in "thoughts and prayers."  

and it got me thinking about the 23rd psalm and the lord's prayer.  which if you're white and of the age i am were surely memorized and droned out  meaninglessly at every sunday service your parents ever took you to.  

and they stick in your head still.  but now you wonder what they mean.   

I will confess to being a really stupid little kid.  I always connected the two lines in the 23rd psalm:  "The lord is my shepherd and I shall not want together so that it read to me like "The lord is my shepherd that I do not want."   WHAT?  "You're not supposed to want god?  Then why am I sitting here in sunday school? i could be out swinging or riding my bike or building a snowman or something fun. wth?"  And I pondered and pondered over that for the longest time.  Until I learned the alternate meaning of "want" and also a rudimentary understanding of commas.  Silly kid.  

And of course then I had the later (still not right) understanding that if I put my trust in the lord that I would not want for anything.  it was all so magical.  thinking like that.  the idea that even if you had hard things in your life, that all would be ok.  you would not be deserted.  you would eventually have what you needed to survive.  to be happy.  to be well.  

and then of course, i grew up.  and i turned into a terrible human being.  i lied. i cheated.  i hurt people.  not thinking about how awful i was.  just thinking of me.  

but then- there was this moment where i thought i had redemption and forgiveness for all that.  everything was just as i dreamed it could be for me.  and so right.  

and then i lost all that. some because i was so insecure about it.  and some- well because...  and don't you think for a moment that i haven't struggled with how i didn't deserve that in the first place.   and how it served me right that i lost that.  and that it was my own damn fault for being so fucking stupid., thick, and insecure.   and as you know-  i lost god all together.  

but as in the last post, recently, i had come to ponder-  how are there flowers?  and how are there good people?  and how are there bird songs?   and how the fuck did i miss all that?

but back to the last two weeks-   and the trouble our world, our country is in.  and my hatred of republicans.  and struggling with forgiveness so that i don't become hateful as they are.  and this got me thinking about what a perfect world would be.

that i could go back and not repeat the same sins that keep my stomach in knots because i know that i can never be forgiven for them because i cannot confess them and atone for them.  or make them right.  

and that i could give everyone a sense of peace.  and that there wouldn't be shootings and wars and ignorance and hunger or love of money and power. or broken hearts.  and that we'd share in all the good things there are on earth.  

and then it hits me.  that lord's prayer.  "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."   

and is that our purpose in life?  to make earth like heaven?  and if so-  at this point- all i can do is do what i can.  and hope to hell that i don't burn in hell (that honestly, i'm still afraid of even while my brain tells me it's stupid to think there is one and even dumber to think that a god who loves you would ever allow anyone (even Hitler) to suffer in such a way) for what i'm not able to make right.  

and well, maybe what hell really is - is knowing that you'll never be in heaven.  where there is love and laughter and forgiveness and sweetness.  

and all i can think to do at this point is to pretend that nothing in the past ever happened.  and live from this point trying to make earth like heaven as much as i am capable of.  try to understand people.  try to forgive people.  try to be kind.  try to see the beauty amongst all the ugly.  try to laugh.  try to appreciate fully- the friends and family that i never deserved.  try to love my enemies.  try to not have my first thoughts go ugly or mean or sarcastic.  try to put others before myself.  try to work for justice and equality. and can i sound like a lame beauty pageant contestant for a minute? try to work for peace on earth.... 

these musing to be continued... some day.