So, I used to have another blog. That I ditched when I realized it was just exposing the hot mess that was going on in my brain at the time. Or something like that. But I honestly cannot even remember the email or the passwords or anything that I used to get into it. My brain has completely blocked it. Perhaps that's a blessing. Somethings are meant to be forgotten. And some things in it are lies now. Although in my head, at the time, they seemed true.
At any rate, I apparently started this blog too- way back, and well, I don't even remember doing that. I discovered that tonight when I decided that I needed to write/process, and I thought, "Well hey, I'll just start a new blog." So I went to the bloggy place, and this popped up. And well, no reason to start a new one, I guess.
I either haven't needed to write or haven't had the will to for a very, very long time. I can't really decide which. Just like I couldn't listen to music for so long. Or haven't shed a single tear. Not because I didn't want to, but just because I couldn't.
So why am I sitting here now? Well, it's been a rough week. And I cried this morning. Partly because I was sad, and partly because I was touched by some sweet people. And because I've started listening to music again. And well, because I just felt the need to. And because I could. Not the ironically, way2frantic need like I had with that other blog, but just a sane, processing need.
One of my friends died this week. After living a year and a half with a brain tumor. And well, it's a sad event in your life when one of your friends dies after living a year and a half with a brain tumor. And I am sad for his wife and his sons, and well, for any of us who knew him. We lost a light in our lives. He had such wit and humor. And it's a loss to lose that. He was such a smart guy. Not an really educated one, but sooo, sooo smart. He confessed to me about 6 months before he died that he knew he wasn't educated and he wished he'd been steered to go to college and could have afforded it but that didn't happen. And he said (his words) that he was nobody, but he was damn sure proud that he'd worked hard, and made a good living and sent his sons to college. One is now an engineer and the other a banker. And I told him, he damn well should be proud of that, but that he was never a nobody, that he was one of my favorite people in the world, and that his intelligence always came through, even without education. Both he and his wife, who had a similar background as far as going to college went, are/were two of the smartest people I've ever met. But while she is all fire, he was all calm like earth. I also remember that one time he was relating a story about how his parents didn't seem to ever get that he had an allergy to down feathers, and he suffered from feather pillows. But of course, he told the story in an amusing fashion. And I responded something to the effect that this was the funniest sad story I'd ever heard, and damn, his parents were jerks. And he quietly smiled and said, "It was the best they could do." And don't think I haven't carried that little phrase around in my head for years and years now. When trying to forgive.
I have very strong thoughts about forgiveness. I don't believe the bullshit about you should - for you not the other guy. stuff. I maintain that sometimes, you can't forgive because you simply can't. And people shouldn't be all "It will be so freeing and good for you." Because you can't do what you can't do.
That said, I have been graced with forgiveness by someone who I never had the right to ever think forgiveness was possible from. And that's a sweet, sweet gift. And I thank him for it.
People struggle in this world. I know someone who is struggling right now. And well, I know she will be alright. But I hate that she struggles. Seems super unfair that some people have to struggle like that. For no good reason. And it makes me question, "Why?"
I've been all over the question of "Is there a God, and what is he good for?" I've gone from a church going kid who just went because you were supposed to. To a young adult who went to church because it was the only place, she ever heard anything intelligent discussed. (My family is Presbyterian. Presbyterians believe in having highly educated, intelligent people in their pulpits. People who were not afraid of questions and doubt) to church being a nice place to take your family to a fairly strong believer in the world back when and then to a complete atheist in reaction to disappointment and heartbreak in my life.
And that's where I've sat for a long time. For quite a long time. Except for then there's flowers. And why? And then there's dogs who run up to greet you when you're sitting on your porch trying to process the week. And why? And you have friends who quietly put their hands on your back when you tell them that you're sad about something. And why? And you learn that someone that you thought was hopeless turns out to do things that are so incredibly forgiving and sweet and has become such a fine human being, and you go from wishing you'd never met him to being so grateful that you did. And why?
I mean, how can a random, non God world ever create such things? That's what I can't figure out.
And well, I still hate. I hate republicans. I hate that people struggle. I hate that I've made unforgivable mistakes that I can't take back. I hate that people hurt in any way. And damn, why would a god let there be such hate as in the world?
And well I don't know. I just don't. But then today, my daughter sent me a link to an interview with Michael Stipe. And at the end of it, the interviewer says, "It seems like you need to discover things by accident. You work, and make mistakes, and then you look at the mistakes and you think, That was good." Stipe's reply: "That's where God lives."
And well, he was referring to his art (which incidentally, I just mis-typed as "heart.") But I read it much bigger than that. In that in all our human failings and mistakes and sins- that is where God lives.
And now I'm thinking- as a human- "It's the best I can do."
RIP Gary. Love to you, Junie. It will be ok. And in the words of our now patron saint- "Love when you can, cry when you have to, Be who you must...." I'll await your arrival whenever it's right for you.
